Recently I was asked if I had any friends who I know would be there for me if I had a big problem I really thought about it and I had to say no which is sad to say or even think that most people would say that they have some bad friends and I would say I probably do but I look at it as a me thing because I do push friends away and how can I expect anybody to be there for me when I push people away but also I look at it with some people who I try to stay close with and I would do everything for them I expect the same back and maybe I would maybe they would be there for me and I am just down and I hope someone proves me wrong but I had way to many times where I actually believed that they would be there for me and they werent
Ok I guess I am ready to write about this I been putting off writing this for at least 3 weeks now I think its because I dont think I ever told anyone this before or even when I made this decision I dont think I really talked to anyone about it. The decision I am talking about was over 4 years ago when I decided which school I was going to after high school I chose to go to cal state san Bernardino which is a nice school and has a lot of things I like about it but I think choosing to go to that school was my biggest mistake I made so far in my life and to be honest if thats the worse decision I have made in my life so far is which college I decided to go to is pretty good because people who are my age have made worse decisions I havent got into drugs I didnt drink until the last couple of weeks when I was intrigued and tried drinking but thats a different story for a different day let me get back on subject the reason it was my worse decision I have ever made was because I made the decision out of fear I was scared to move away from my mom I was also scared of leaving my best friend at the time the ironic thing about that last part is now i am not even friends with that person anymore and I know most people feels the same way about leaving their family and friends but thats what made my decision I never looked at my school before I never researched what was good about it and that is disappointing to think I was like that and I know I should of gone up north to go to school and for the last year or two I been thinking about how different I would be if I would of left my comfort zone because even when I lived at school my first year I was only 30 minutes away so I couod come right back home when I wanted to and since I was close to home I could still hang out with friends who still lived close by so I wasnt really forced to meet new people like I would of been if I would of went to a school that was far away I think I would of grown a lot more if I did leave and I think thats why I have been trying to do more things that I have never done before like drinking alcohol that isnt what I do its not even something I would even consider doing before and after drinking its still isnt me but I still want to get drunk one day just to see how I act how my personality changes. This is all stuff that I think I would of experience if I would of went to school but I think I am looking at what could of been and think it would be better than how it is for me now but really I could end up worse than how I am now so maybe if I did go to the school I wanted to go to I might be writing about how it would of been if I would of stayed close to home for school
How do you look up to me because I am 22 and I still dont have a clue who I am I am up and down all the time with my emotions I dont handle situations well I used to be that kid that cut himself and sometimes I still feel like I can go back to that it just doesn’t make sense why would you pick me?